Mistakes and Failures

Three steps forward, one step back. Just as I begin getting in the rhythm of things it feels as though my life just crumbles. I don't do it on purpose, I just let the small things get to me. For example, one bad grade gets me very frustrated with myself and then I let it out on other people and I end up just surrounding myself in a circle of negativity. Even worse, a bad week. After a bad week, I always end up feeling like a failure. By nature, I am insanely competitive. I strive to be the best and when I am not, I take it personally. If you need a visual, I very much relate to the character Paris from Gilmore Girls. Ambitious, cut-throat, ISTJ (Introversion, sensing, thinking, judgment) personality type, type 8 (the challenger) enneagram. Although I was in denial of this at first, Paris is me to a T. Just like she does, I know what I want and do what I need to to get there. Yet when I fail, the overthinker in me reminds me that I will just never be as great as I want to be and that just leads me to screw up even more things I have going for me. Sometimes I get back to business in no time. Sometimes it takes me longer to bounce back. But I always find myself in a similar cycle. Instead of accepting that I am human and as a human, it is inevitable to make mistakes, I let the mistakes drive my life. I sometimes feel like I am my mistakes and failures. And then I stress out and I stress out everyone around me. It feels like when I fail I am a toxic whirlwind that just takes in up everything around me. 

On another note, I know it is probably not the greatest idea to expose all the bad things about me. I mean I have already shared many of the struggles I am dealing with but, I feel by writing them down and publishing them it is my way of controlling them. I feel like I have already said this before, but writing is definitely my outlet. By putting this stuff out there I feel like I can command my life and the direction I want it to go in. I don't do this to spread negativity. On the contrary, I feel like in doing this I bring positivity into my own life because these thoughts can no longer weigh me down.